Monday, 7 October 2013
The things I do...
Meanwhile sitting in my inbox was a series of emails from College. I knew they were there. I'd not only opened them, I had actually read them. Then I went away to ponder. That took me so much time another series of emails arrived ~slightly irate. Had I got the last email? Could I please respond? I went away to mum's, having completely forgotten it was there. Given enough time I would never have to deal with it because in all honesty I didn't really want to attend my graduation dinner anyway.
Now Grad~Din is for the graduating class only. No partners. No ex~grads. No boyfriends, girlfriends, partners, children. It means I leave the island in the late afternoon, drive myself across town, eat a meal that no doubt consists of meat with people I don't know very well & drive myself home in the dark having been too well stuffed, to search for parking in the dark & walk alone down badly lit streets; I travel alone on a boat where I cannot read because they turn the lights of for the driver's night vision so that by the time I reach the island I am half asleep & exhausted but still have to drive myself home. In no way does any of this make my heart leap for joy.
On Friday I was cheerfully explaining all this to my ex~seat partner who had been hoping to chat with me over dinner when the Dean hoved into view with a glint in her eye & headed in my direction. *sigh* The eye~roll was palpable as I explained [again] I had no intention of being at the dinner. Apparently I had no choice. Apart from anything else she wanted my testimony. *sigh*
It's not that I am being deliberately difficult, well no more than usual, it's just I don't do the people thing well. Not only do I not do the people thing well it exhausts me. Some people get energized by socializing. I am not one of them. This is likely to leave me wiped for days & days. And days.
On top of this I have already freaked a number of people out. Graduation is a Big Deal. Rhema goes to great lengths to make it special & to inspire. To make it memorable. If you're in class it really gets talked up. The graduates are encouraged. Those continuing on get to serve. Besides the dinner there is the graduating ceremony ~ which is amazing & absolutely packed to overflowing. People are getting excited about it & unfortunately for me they expect me to be excited with them. Ummm...no? I didn't even attend my first graduation. OK, I get I do actually have to come to this one but don't expect me to be thrilled about it. As I said to one stunned, sweet young thing: It's like marriage. Everyone gets caught up in the ceremony but it's the marriage that is important. The ceremony is just a ceremony.
The thing is [& MamaO is very much to blame for this] I had an international ministry before I went to Rhema. It was small & quiet & I liked it that way but the word of God was going out into the world in a manageable way. I still have an international ministry ~ plus other stuff now as God expands our canopy. I have more than enough. I know this is not true for many graduates & they are waiting with some anxiety to see how God leads them. Even in school I had a focus problem because I was already involved in ministry. I knew what the next step was. This dancing on water so frustrates me. It has no substance.
But part of the problem is that At my back I always hear/Time's winged chariot hurrying near.... The time is short & I must be about my Father's business.