The things I do...

It's that time of the year again.  Ryan did the digging & bought the veggies; Cait & I helped him plant out & mulch on Sunday afternoon.

Meanwhile sitting in my inbox was a series of emails from College.  I knew they were there.  I'd not only opened them, I had actually read them.  Then I went away to ponder.  That took me so much time another series of emails arrived ~slightly irate.  Had I got the last email?  Could I please respond?  I went away to mum's, having completely forgotten it was there.  Given enough time I would never have to deal with it because in all honesty I didn't really want to attend my graduation dinner anyway.

Now Grad~Din is for the graduating class only.  No partners.  No ex~grads.  No boyfriends, girlfriends, partners, children.  It means I leave the island in the late afternoon, drive myself across town, eat a meal that no doubt consists of meat with people I don't know very well & drive myself home in the dark having been too well stuffed, to search for parking in the dark & walk alone down badly lit streets; I travel alone on a boat where I cannot read because they turn the lights of for the driver's night vision so that by the time I reach the island I am half asleep & exhausted but still have to drive myself home.  In no way does any of this make my heart leap for joy.

On Friday I was cheerfully explaining all this to my ex~seat partner who had been hoping to chat with me over dinner when the Dean hoved into view with a glint in her eye & headed in my direction. *sigh*  The eye~roll was palpable as I explained [again] I had no intention of being at the dinner.  Apparently I had no choice.  Apart from anything else she wanted my testimony. *sigh*

It's not that I am being deliberately difficult, well no more than usual, it's just I don't do the people thing well.  Not only do I not do the people thing well it exhausts me.  Some people get energized by socializing.  I am not one of them.  This is likely to leave me wiped for days & days.  And days.

On top of this I have already freaked a number of people out.  Graduation is a Big Deal.  Rhema goes to great lengths to make it special & to inspire.  To make it memorable.  If you're in class it really gets talked up.  The graduates are encouraged.  Those continuing on get to serve.  Besides the dinner there is the graduating ceremony ~ which is amazing & absolutely packed to overflowing.  People are getting excited about it & unfortunately for me they expect me to be excited with them.  Ummm...no?  I didn't even attend my first graduation.  OK, I get I do actually have to come to this one but don't expect me to be thrilled about it.  As I said to one stunned, sweet young thing:  It's like marriage.  Everyone gets caught up in the ceremony but it's the marriage that is important.  The ceremony is just a ceremony.

The thing is [& MamaO is very much to blame for this] I had an international ministry before I went to Rhema.  It was small & quiet & I liked it that way but the word of God was going out into the world in a manageable way.  I still have an international ministry ~ plus other stuff now as God expands our canopy.  I have more than enough.  I know this is not true for many graduates & they are waiting with some anxiety to see how God leads them.  Even in school I had a focus problem because I was already involved in ministry.  I knew what the next step was.  This dancing on water so frustrates me.  It has no substance.

But part of the problem is that At my back I always hear/Time's winged chariot hurrying near.... The time is short & I must be about my Father's business.